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Pity, Party of One

January 28, 2012

I want nothing more than to give up right now. Completely and totally give up.

I am tired of struggling…I’m ready to thrive.

Why can’t I seem to get there?

I ended 2011 on a high. I felt really great about everything that had happened in the year and even felt optimistic about what the new year would hold. Now, a mere four weeks in, I feel like my whole world is about to come crashing down around me.

I have worked so hard to put out the effort to chase my dreams, and it seems that no matter how hard I work, no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough.

My studio mate and I (who have become ridiculously good friends and partners in crime over the past year) put together a fun event at our studio. It was greeted with all sorts of “wow, that’s awesome! I want to do that!!” and all sorts of other raves. My web traffic has been highest on the days I posted about the event and it really looked to be a success.

We sold all of four sessions, half of which canceled this morning. All I can think about right now is the lost opportunity of adding another item to my product line so I can make money.

Now I’m sitting here on the couch, fighting off tears, thinking about all sorts of things. Like if I should be looking for that “real” job my parents keep urging me to get, or find the motivation to continue working on so many of the things that will bring me the income I so desperately need. 

Every time I think about doing anything other than chasing my dream, it makes me physically ill. But at the same time, I don’t have a lot of the safety nets that most people have when starting a business — I don’t have a husband with a steady income, I can’t get a business loan, and I don’t have a rich family member that is about to kick the bucket. I’ve never let it be an excuse before, but it just makes me feel like maybe I can’t really be that crazy success story of the girl who thrived — who built a business from nothing, fought tradition and won.

I so desperately want to be that girl, but it seems so unbelievably out of reach…

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2 Comments
  1. Sondra permalink
    January 29, 2012 1:44 pm

    Aw, I’m sorry, Eunice. I don’t know how much time you have to read right now, but I very highly recommend the book, “Quitter,” by Jon Acuff. You might find it to be a huge encouragement/help at this time.

    • February 3, 2012 12:16 am

      I am totally going to look for that book, thanks!

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