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Spinning

June 23, 2011

I’m still trying to digest the turn of events of the past few days. Really, I continue to expect to wake up and find that I’ve been dreaming. I’m told that it’s real, I’m not going to wake up and I just need to BELIEVE.

Thing is, something is bugging me and I can’t place a finger on why.

If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that Alissa’s dad has been in a less than active role in her life. Although I really thought that was changing in the fall, it didn’t exactly happen the way I expected it to. And I was disappointed (again) and let down (again) and really just started to wonder why I kept putting the energy out to nurture a possibility that was highly unlikely at this point.

So I shut down. Completely. I stopped pushing, I stopped asking, I stopped sharing. I just shut down and accepted defeat.

Now I’ve always felt that if Alissa’s dad would ever come around, it would be by her 5th birthday or not at all. What I didn’t expect would be that he would wait literally until her 5th birthday. And I didn’t expect that he would be ready to jump in with both feet and make an effort. A real, genuine effort.

On Sunday night, after a really long conversation about things, he told me that he’s really excited to step in to his role and wanted to know how he could start. My response was, “well, her birthday is tomorrow…” and he was glad that he hadn’t missed it. He got really excited as we talked through what he could do to make her fifth birthday really special. We made plans, talked some more about things, and I couldn’t help but look at him and say, “I feel like I’m going to wake up in the morning and realize that this is all a dream.” He looked back at me and said, “you’re not dreaming.” I went home and still didn’t believe it.

We had agreed that we would get Alissa a bike for her birthday, and that we’d take her to the park after school and surprise her with it. He took care of everything – he listened to what I told him and went out and picked out the *perfect* bike for her. And we surprised her with it and she loved it.

What was most amazing is that for that entire day, he was exactly the dad I had always hoped he would be. I can’t remember the last time I felt so incredibly happy, but it was a wonderful day. I’ve been on cloud 9 about it for a couple of days, but it’s not been without a heaping dose of skepticism to accompany it.

So it’s left me in a state of feeling like my life has taken a complete 180, out of left field. As much as I’ve wanted this, and as much as I’ve thought about it, I’m just not ready yet. And it’s not just that, I’m not ready for him to be quite so on board. It’s like he’s TOO invested or something. I don’t know. It’s great, and I support him in the decision to make a change, but I I think I still need to accept it first.

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One Comment
  1. cassee01 permalink
    July 13, 2011 11:29 am

    I’m soooooooooooooooooooo happy for you and A – that is just wonderful.

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