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Having faith

April 5, 2011

Today is the first day I’ve felt somewhat “normal” in the better part of six months. I got up, got dressed, took Alissa to school, went to work and then we both came home. Alissa had a great day being back in school. She really does love school and I made the decision, even though it’s slightly more expensive, to re-enroll her at the school she was at before we left Denver. After looking at a few other schools, this one just fits “her.” She had a fabulous time and I’m so glad I did it. Now I just have to pray that I can continue to afford it (not that I really can now) until the fall.

But if the truth is to be told, I’m on the verge of a complete and total meltdown.

The other day, I prayed a prayer for some clarity on what the future holds and some certainty about some of the decisions I’ve made recently — many of which I’ve made on blind faith that all will be okay in a few months. I did one of the scariest things I’ve ever thought to do – I said, “eff it” and took a giant leap. I still can’t see the bottom. And it scares the bejeezus out of me. But at the same time, around every turn, I feel validated.

Yesterday morning, I wasn’t feeling so motivated to do, well, pretty much anything. And after communicating to my mom how I was feeling and being left to think I was completely insane, I took a break. Alissa and I got out, went for a ride, and then to the library for a bit. Just stepping outside and away from everything – the computer, the phone, the tension…I felt physically better.

I came back to two amazing emails and a phone call — all photography related work (an inquiry, a booking, and a print sale) — and I felt validated. Like I’m chasing up the right tree. Like, no matter how insane and selfish my parents think I am, I’m chasing my dreams because my dreams want to be chased. And it feels great.

Today, I felt normal. Like this life I’m living is (almost) the life I am meant to have.

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