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December 5, 2010

Wow, I’m getting a whole lot more than I bargained for with this one. Today’s prompt wants to know what I let go of this year. Inside, I am laughing because I know what I’m going to say and I know that it is not entirely true.

I know this because I’ve let go before.

More than once.

More than twice.

I think the grand total is up to about 8, maybe 9? I don’t know, I lost track years ago. It’s probably much higher than that. I kind of have a problem with letting go – even of the things I no longer want, I stuff them in a closet and forget about them, never truly letting go. I do that with people too, unfortunately (not literally, of course). But he has just been so darn hard to let go.

I thought I had last year, when I met a new guy.

I thought I had years before that when we flat out quit talking.

But honestly, it’s hard to let go of someone you’ve spent ten years of your life loving.

I hadn’t seen him since last May when I moved away. I stayed a night at his house in January when I went up to shoot a wedding and I wondered if things would be like they had the last time I saw him. Despite the fact that we talk almost daily, when we see each other, it’s totally different. It’s still the same vibe I predicted we had before we first met – that of an incredible, unexplainable attraction to one another.

A few weeks later, Valentine’s Day to be exact, we had a very interesting conversation. A lot of things that have been unsaid between us came out that night. It felt good to admit many of them, but it also felt good to have many of my suspicions validated. Although the timing was hilariously ironic as I had decided to write and let go not even a week before. Instead it stirred up this whole whirlwind of emotion that fueled the writing.

A few weeks later, I wrote a letter. I poured my heart out, as usual. He ignored it, as usual. I was heartbroken and devastated, thinking for sure, this time, he was ready to jump in.  I felt like an idiot. But I moved on.

I saw him again in July. I expected things to feel as they had in January, that the desire would be there, but we would both be unsure, like a pair of teenagers, of how to proceed.

I was wrong. I felt nothing. Almost six years to the day since we first met, first kissed, when I first knew I wanted him to be a part of my life forever, for the first time, I didn’t want to travel that road with him. When I left a few days later, I knew in my heart that while I will always love him, I have let go of the idea of being in a relationship with him. And I really never thought that would happen.

  1. December 5, 2010 2:25 pm

    Love this. I was going to write about a fella and then I realized I’d be lying–I so haven’t let go. I got teary-eyed reading a book about evolutionary psychology on the train today thinking about how I’m not going to be able to share this amazing insight with him. Bravo to you for finally being in a place where you’ve let go.

    • December 5, 2010 2:32 pm

      I completely relate to that. It’s been a long struggle for me, but I’m finally to the point that I’ve let go of the idea that we’d be better in a relationship than we are as friends. I still love him to pieces and I know that will never change.

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