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Reflecting Back

March 18, 2007

I don’t know if it’s the nice weather or the latest from Egan, but today has made me think back to about 9 months ago, when Alissa was still tumbling around on the inside and I was a mere 36 hours away from becoming a parent.

The day was much like today, sunny and hot, perfect day for a walk. Even though I knew for only four short months about my pending arrival, it still gave me plenty of time to be anxious. Anxious about giving birth (I’m a wuss for pain), anxious about being a parent, and anxious about possibly sharing that duty with someone else.

It’s funny that 9 months later, I still feel the same way, less the giving birth part. As excited as I got last week at the prospect of Dale coming around, he still isn’t ready and it frustrates me. Yet the more I push, the more he pulls back. I told him on Friday that I wanted him to decide what he wants — in or out — and that I would talk to him later next week. If I feel up to it then, that is. I just don’t know. I’m tired of the rollercoaster we’ve been on and now we’re on the verge of it being more emotionally messy than it has been and I am not at all prepared to deal with that.

As my mom told me the other night, you can’t make someone love another person if they don’t — that is just as true with parents as it is with relationships, and it kills me to know that my daughter doesn’t turn his heart the way she turns mine.

I think that my desire for him to be a part of her life has as much to do with the fact that I think he would be great and it would be a positive thing for her as it does avoiding another round of rejection — as if his rejection of her is a personal rejection of me. And for those of you that have read my blog for the past two years, you know how well I handle rejection.

At the end of the day, I’m just tired of the excuses and the fuzzy logic that he uses as defense to his behavior. If he should decide that he still doesn’t want anything to do with Alissa, then it’s his loss — and he was never the great guy I spent so much time feeling guilty about not wanting a relationship with.

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