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I can’t help but feel like a complete jerk.

March 6, 2007

Egan, you are not advised to read this post.

A couple of years ago, I met this girl in one of my classes that was totally awesome and we became friends. We had just that one class together, but at the end of the summer, she told me that she and her husband were moving to Massachusetts, so I was bummed that I was losing a new friend. She did share the news that they were expecting and at the time, was about 4 months along. We pretty much lost touch after that.

A little more than a year later, our e-mail paths crossed. They had not moved after all and she was at a new school, but was still in town and wondered what I had been up to. I excitedly told her about Alissa and asked if she was also loving motherhood. She shared with me that she’d had a miscarriage. I felt like a jerk, even though I didn’t know. I felt better when she told me that they were expecting again and she was due this winter.

A few weeks ago, I invited her to a party I was having at my house and she excitedly responded that she was coming and had news to reveal. I thought that maybe the transfer was really happening this time and they were moving again. I told her I couldn’t wait to see her and to bring the baby. When she didn’t show up, I went to call and realized I didn’t have her number.

So I e-mailed her the other day to tell her that I’d missed her at the party and that we needed to get together soon. Again I asked how she was loving being a mother. She responded with the news — which she had wanted to tell me in person — she had to have an emergency c-section at the end of December and her son had been born with Potter’s syndrome. He passed away a mere five hours later. I’m sure that all of you heard the sound of my heart breaking when I read that.

Again, I couldn’t have possibly known — the last time we spoke, she was into her third trimester and doing well. But I still felt like an insensitive jerk. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to lose a child — I know that some of you have mentioned personally experiencing the loss of a child through miscarriage on your respective blogs. I definitely can’t imagine losing two — and to hold your child in your arms, knowing that they won’t see the morning, gosh, that thought kills me.

So for those of you that are the praying type, please pray for little Jayce to watch over his mom and dad each day of their lives.

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