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May 31, 2006

It’s no secret that I’m a fan of change. Most of my friends tease that I’m not one for small change, it always has to be over-the-top. But I have never feared change, I always embrace it.

It’s that time of year when change seems to be inevitable. The seasons are turning and school is drawing to a close. Graduation after graduation, I’m watching many of my employees say goodbye to childhood friends and prepare to embark on their own new adventures. Many of them have left me feeling nostalgic for those moments of change in my own life as well.

As I reflect back on the past, I realize that although I welcome change in my life, I have a very difficult time letting go of what once was. As I prepare to bring my daughter into the world, I reminisce about ghosts of the past and how they would fit into my life now, if only they were still there.

I went to therapy yesterday to complete my final wave of hypno-birthing techniques, but spent almost half the session talking about my ex, someone who has been prominent in my mind the past few weeks. I struggle with the fact that I cannot let go of what has happened, nor can I let go of the pain he put me through. The fact that he still acts as though he’s not sorry for it all has a lot to do with it, but I continue to ask myself, “why? why can’t I let go?” I think it’s because I still just don’t understand. Why are they still so secretive about their relationship — two years after they started it? If it’s so great and they are so happy, why am I greeted with defensiveness when I ask about it? It bugs the shit out of me and I know it shouldn’t — I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does. It’s making me flippin’ crazy.

But why? My life is infinitely better since he’s been out of it. I’ve gotten to experience things that I want to experience. I’ve gotten to pursue my dreams. It saddens me that I don’t have someone to come home to at night that cheers me on and says, “way to go babe,” but I never had that anyway, so how can I miss something I never had? Grr. It’s so frustrating. But at the end of the day, I can honestly say that I’m happier now than I was then. I may still cry myself to sleep at night now and again, but not because I’m miserable with my life and I don’t know what to do about it.

And it bugs the crap out of me that of the four of us (my ex, his stupid girlfriend, her ex, and me), I’m the only one that hasn’t moved on to a new relationship. I just can’t. For those of you that have been reading me for a while know that I’ve made some half-hearted attempts (and look what happened from one of those), but just can’t seem to get on that level to open myself up. It seems so unfair to me when I was the one that was done wrong; I was the one that was hurt, so why is everyone else living this blissful life with someone else when I can barely stand to let a guy buy me a drink or take me to dinner? I know that my daughter won’t be that person for me, but it is my hope that she will help lessen the ache. After all, she is my life now and I look forward to the day I get to see her beautiful face.

I hope that one of these days, I can learn to realize that the past is the past…the only bearing it has on my life is how I choose to let it affect my future. Otherwise, bury it, mourn it, and move on.


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