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Mind over matter

October 12, 2005

I feel compelled to report that therapy went okay yesterday. Something that I have been learning to work on is to assess every situation and choose to do what best serves me. It’s been difficult for me to accept that there is a difference between being selfish and always looking for my best interest. It all feels the same to me. Being the kind of person that tries so hard to be everything for everyone, this is a really difficult concept for me to grab on to, but I have been working on it.

I arrived yesterday and communicated to her that I exercised that power recently and felt guilty about it, she worked with me to learn how to release and assess my emotions. She was telling me that when we feel emotion, the reason for feeling each emotion can be categorized into three needs, or some combination: safety, control, or approval. So she taught me to practice thinking about situations that I am in, how they make me feel, and am I looking for safety, control or approval? And then to release and let go. My problem is that I tend to carry burdens for way longer than they are deserving of.

She did some energy work too, and I went through the process of communicating the thoughts that came to my mind about my ex during my emotional breakdown the other day. We also talked to my inner child and learned to nurture and love her as well. I don’t feel nearly as good as I usually do, but I think my problem is that I’m having trouble clearing my mind before I go under, so my mind wanders, and I can’t focus. I think part of it is that I continue to subconsciously fight her on discussing the one thing that I need to talk about most, but I’m just tired of talking about it. So I felt better, but my mood is still pretty heavy today.

What was really neat is what happened after the session. Her office is in this whole mind-body clinic, so I was leaving, and she introduced me to the massage therapist in there and I asked him a few questions, and he took my hand and as he was answering them, he was massaging my hand and wrist. Then he looked at me and stated that I’ve been having stomach problems for a few weeks. Truth is, I have. Ever since I started on the meds for the kidney infection, I’ve had this wrenching pain in my gut like I’ve done too many sit-ups. It hurts all the time, and I plan to go back to the doctor to have it checked out. I looked at him and said, “how could you have known that?” I don’t get the whole acupressure thing, but I guess the lines in your wrist connect to your digestive system, and those were tight, so that’s how he knew. Interesting. So I booked an appointment for Friday afternoon.

Dinner with my friend was nice. I only get to see him once a month or so anymore, since we have both been so busy, so it was just nice to relax and spend time with someone. He’s got a race that he’s been training for this weekend, so I amped him up on carbs and we watched TV and just caught up with each other. Part of me wishes I could go to the race, but it’s in Utah and they are leaving Thursday and I can’t get away with ditching work for two days.

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