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No one’s home

October 11, 2005

I’m still in my hole this morning. I kinda like it here. It’s safe and quiet, and my thoughts aren’t too terribly loud just yet. I feel like I’ve slipped a million miles back from all of the progress I’ve made inside myself. I keep starting to write in my journal each night, and I never end up putting new thoughts down, just re-reading the old ones (that pick up at some point approximately a year ago) and redigesting everything. And then I think back to Sunday afternoon, sitting in my car in the movie theater parking lot, bawling my head off as the rain came pouring down outside. And it makes me feel weak.

There is so much going on in my head and my heart that I don’t know how to manage it all, so I’ve chosen to hide from it for a while. My usual two hours of Friends therapy couldn’t even cure it last night. I invited a friend over for dinner tonight, and now I’m wishing I hadn’t, since I still want to be alone. Maybe it’ll be good for me to have some company.

I have Alice In Chains in the CD player, and that’s what I always throw in when I feel sublimely depressed. I’m going to the therapist this afternoon, so hopefully I’ll be able to pull myself out of my funk at the very least.

**update, 1:56 pm** See, even my horoscope agrees. Off to therapy and then back into my hole I go.

There’s not really much you can do; this is just going to be an odd day. No
matter how you approach your friends and family and coworkers, they’re just not
going to seem themselves. Instead, you might want to try stepping back from the
situation. And maybe take another step back. And another. Just keep going until
you don’t feel quite so weirded out, and if that means you spend the day curled
up on the couch watching movies, so be it.

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