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If only you would let me, I have something to say–

August 24, 2005

I’m really frustrated with a friend of mine right now, and I’m kind of stuck on how to handle the situation. In the time that we’ve been friends, we’ve been there for each other through a lot of trials and tribulations. We did have a little falling out at one point and didn’t talk for a while, but when we made up and began talking again, we both talked about how much we missed each other and how we always wanted to remain friends. I know that a small part of me expected to pick right up where we left off, and that it was unrealistic to think that way, and when it didn’t, I got frustrated and upset. Then I realized that my own expectations were out there, and that I needed to ground myself and work on rebuilding the friendship and I would have what I wanted it to be again. And I have. But I am starting to feel that the other person hasn’t, despite the, “you’re an amazing friend, I never want you out of my life,” messages that I get regularly.

The thing is, for as much as I hear it, I am rarely made to feel that those words are genuine, so it leaves me doubting much of the time. It feels like this person lets me drift until I’m just far enough away to be within reach of pulling me back, and then pulls me in and then lets me drift again. Now I don’t need to speak on a daily basis or anything, but I would appreciate a response when I ask a question, especially when it’s along the lines of, “I need your help,” or “Haven’t seen you in a while, would you like to have brunch on Sunday?” I just don’t know how much more I can take. If this person wants me as a lifelong friend, then why is it so difficult to give me the respect a friend like that deserves?

Now almost all of my other friends think that I should have given up on this person long ago, and they all have valid points to which I agree with. Yet I am torn because of the one thing that my mom always told me of, “it’s through the hard times that you will see who your truest friends are, because the rest of them disappear.” Even when this friend isn’t there in my day-to-day life, they are always there for me during the hard times, when it really counts. So in the grand scheme of things, doesn’t that outweigh the casual attitude that I get on a daily basis?

At this point, I’m going to stop investing in this relationship until I start seeing the other person invest something into it too. I hope you read this and think about it, and remember all of the things you said to me about what a good friend I am, and start being one in return.

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