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I keep my share of secrets…

July 28, 2005

I’m in a foul mood today. I doubt is has to do with lack of sleep, as I was so tired last night that I went to bed at 10 pm without completing any of the things that I needed to get done. Then I talked to Julia for three hours. I was so worried about her all day yesterday, that even though I was wiped, I had to talk to her and know that she was okay. She ended up not having surgery, but spent the entire day at the hospital. I’m surprised that she didn’t sound more exhausted than she did. Crazy girl is going to go into work this morning too, I just know it.

Yesterday I was just so blah because of everything that is going on, and the night before, I had gone out after breaking things off with the guy I’m not dating. It was nice to be out of the house, but today, even more than yesterday, I’m feeling like maybe I shouldn’t have gone. Unbeknownst to me until this morning, I upset a friend the other night and I feel really bad about it, mostly because I don’t remember doing anything to be mean and disrespectful. It was one of those nights though, where you remember arriving at the bar, and that’s about it. I didn’t realize that I had more to drink than I actually thought. I don’t drink very frequently anymore, and I definitely don’t drink like that on a regular basis. It really bothers me when I have those nights of not remembering what happened, because 99% of the time, it means that I did or said something that I need to ask forgiveness for, which is why I don’t drink like that very often. If you actually read this, I’m really sorry to have upset you, and thank you for trying to take care of me.

It was nice to have therapy to look forward to in the afternoon. It’s really working for me, and helping me to deal with all of the emotions raging through me. There was one thing that she had told me that I need to do, and every other time that I have done what she suggests, I have been better off for listening. But this time, I just can’t. No matter how much I know it will be good for me, I just can’t bring myself to do it. The past couple of weeks, we’ve been talking about not being afraid to let my true feelings show, and to always trust my heart and know that it is guiding me to do what is in my highest good, and I just need to listen to it, and then learn to trust and let go, that all will fall into place as it should. I left there with all the confidence to do it, and in the 30 minute drive home, my fear had overcome me again and just thinking about it all had me panicked.

I spent the evening mulling over the session, trying to decide how to approach things and everything. I wrote down my feelings, I journalled about it, I thought about it as I laid there watching TV, I fell asleep on the couch and dreamt about it. While I was under hypnosis, she had me visualize confronting the situation, having the conversation, what I was going to say, everything. Even with just that, I felt a burden lifted from me and I felt so relieved. She told me to have the courage to make it real, that I’m a strong woman and I can do it. But all of that is gone, and fear has overcome me again, and I hold my feelings in my gut, wondering if I will say what needs to be said.

I’m not a huge believer in horoscopes, but lately, mine seems to be speaking to me loud and clear. Today’s reads:

Regardless of what the universe tosses your way or how suddenly it’s tossed, you’ve always been much more liable to wait, think and consider what to do next than to react immediately. That’s a trait that’s come in handy more than once, but it won’t do the job now. What’s called for at the moment is the ability to act quickly and to be bold enough to make the consequences of those actions stick, both of which you definitely have covered.

So see, even the universe is telling me to bite the bullet. Now if only I can relax and bring that courage back, I can do it, and I know that I will feel so much better for it in the end.

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