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And that, my friends, is what you call closure!

July 5, 2005

I haven’t felt better in the past year than I do today. I initially thought that Saturday would be a hard day, as that’s the day a year ago that my ex and I moved into our first (and only) home, knowing that it would be ending shortly. But it wasn’t. In fact, Saturday was the day I was given an almost-epiphany. Today I got the full thing.

After spending most of Friday and into the wee hours of Saturday morning talking to Tanya about my relationship, there was one question that was bugging me that I needed answered:

“Had I, at any point in our marriage, come to you and admitted being either emotionally or sexually attracted to someone else, how would you have handled that?”

So I did a ballsy thing and asked it of him.

My answer:

Interesting question. It’s difficult to answer that question in hindsight – I don’t know if it’s an accurate or honest answer because I’m looking at it nearly a year later, at least. It would depend, too, who the person in question was, and at what point during our marriage that it took place.

I’m sure that I would have had a negative reaction. I probably would have felt, if not said, “I knew it!” or something to that effect. (Given my paranoia.) And I think that our marriage would have ended shortly thereafter. Looking at it now, I feel that we would not have worked to get through that, but there’s no way to know that for sure. Honestly, I don’t know that I could have gotten through it, even if we had tried, and tried hard. I couldn’t get through the Kevin/journal thing, after all.

And I could have predicted that answer, so it was no surprise. Which tells me the one thing I think I needed to accept in order to let go: our marriage was doomed from the moment we said “I do.” Here, he had promised to love and commit to me for better or worse, and he’s telling me now that it was all conditional, that he probably couldn’t have loved me in my worst moments. Isn’t that what a marriage is all about? Now, I know that’s not exactly the easiest thing to hear, as I’ve been on the receiving end of it, but when you love someone, for better or worse, you help them to work through those worst moments, you find out what is lacking in the relationship that caused these outside emotions and whatnot, and you work on them to fix them. We never did that. We never did it when I befriended Kevin, and as much as we tried to do that last summer, neither of us had our heart in it at that point to give it the effort.

There were so many signs that I was given as to why I should have known it wouldn’t work, but the biggest reason, that I didn’t see until today, is simply that he wouldn’t have been able to be there for me at my worst moments, and that’s so much more important than being there in my best moments. It’s having that ability to the nth degree that makes the rare couples that survive infidelity so amazing. Knowing all of this, I feel so much better, and I can finally believe his words of, “I didn’t love you the way a man should love his wife.” They don’t even hurt anymore. Wow.

I just want to stand on a mountain top and go “laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!” right now! :)

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